Course Correct. Fine-Tune. Repeat.

On getting older, knowing my patterns, letting go of “should,” and learning to live in alignment with my own rhythm.

I wonder if I think too much?

I wonder if I’m off social media for healthy reasons, or something else?

I wonder if this painting needs a dab of color there, or here?

I wonder a lot.

A former blog I wrote was titled, “Thoughts to Ponder.”

Of course it was. I enjoy pondering, exploring, feeling, and looking at my own stuff from different angles.

When I was coaching, I enjoyed witnessing other people’s stuff from different angles… always looking for patterns.

Seeing behavioral patterns is one of my superpowers (if there is such a thing).

Thankfully, I see my own patterns too.

Humans are interesting. I am one; therefore, I am interesting. Which means you’re interesting too.

Now that we’ve got that straight… Hi there!

It’s been a while since I felt moved to write, or maybe it was yesterday. Time is moving at warp speed. Summer was a blip.

Do you feel that too?

Earlier this summer (or maybe it was yesterday), I was wondering how to slow time down. I’m 63; I really don’t want 83 to be just around the corner. I hope I’ll arrive there at some point, and when I do, I will be grateful.

Not everyone will make it to 83… or until tomorrow.

Sorry. I know that might feel dark, but it doesn’t have to.

Years ago, I read a book by Stephen Levine. The premise was to live as if you had a year to live. While I didn’t follow the book verbatim, it certainly prompted wondering, pondering, and exploring.

Out of all that pondering emerged a phrase I use often: “fine-tuning.”

Like how a tuning fork is used to bring notes into perfect pitch.

While there may be perfection in musical notes, I don’t believe there is perfection to living. There is laughter, tears, hurdles, ease, joy, sadness, flow, stuck, self-discovery, learning, unlearning, letting go, adjusting, alignment, re-alignment, surfing the wave, crashing, getting back up again.

Ebbs and flows…

Living life in all 65 keys.

I recently texted a friend to let her know about a group two other friends are leading. My friend replied with, “huge health things happening… stage IV cancer.”

Oy! My entire being went thud.

I can’t even imagine what that feels like, a diagnosis that is deeply life-altering, perhaps life-ending.

All I can do is return to “fine-tuning” and a thought that I ponder weekly: “If I had a year to live…”

I use both these phrases to guide me upwards. They are not depressing to me at all. They are reminders to keep on learning, unlearning, leaning into the hard stuff, laughing often, and staying true to my course… not someone else’s ideal, and certainly not society’s.

I am SO DONE with all that!

I am not afraid of death.

The idea of suffering, however, does not sit well.

But if suddenly I’m gone, I’ve said to my family, “Just know, the last few years have been so good. I’ve lived the way I wanted to live.”

I’ve healed from trauma (a lot… never done).

I like me as I am.

I no longer self-compare.

I don’t need to be seen to feel “enough.”

I allow myself to shine, my way.

I honor my moods. Sometimes I feel like being “out there.” Other times I feel extremely private (current mood… sort of).

I’m off social media—for a while.

I know my patterns. When I don’t feel well, when I’m tired, if I’m not careful, I spiral down fast.

A little-known fact, other than among close friends.

I have a rare disorderly (as I call it) gene: HLA-DR4, which helps regulate immune function. I have the “multi-sensitivity” version (4% of the population), which predisposes my body to heightened reactions to environmental triggers: everything from dust, mold, chemicals, RF/EMFs, plus Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS).

A disorder in which mast cells release excessive histamine, causing swelling, vision changes, brain fog, inflammation, and strange things when exposed to all the above.

Which, in our polluted world, is all the time. I’m lucky to know—my sense is that many who are struggling may be undiagnosed. Tossing this out there in hopes of helping someone.

It’s a bitch… and a gift.

The gift is growing inner strength. Seriously, I can deadlift 1,000 pounds now.

Knowing my emotional and physical self well.

Making choices to eliminate as much stress (a huge mast cell trigger) as is humanely possible.

Say yes. Say no. Fine-tune. Re-align. Rest. Learn.

I recently participated in our county’s Studio Tours.

Fabulous, amazing, and then I crashed hard.

I really overdid it physically. I was exposed to God knows what: fast-fashion dye in clothing, chemical-laden detergent, dryer-sheet, hair product smells (aka poison).

I was also exposed to 75 to 100 of the most enjoyable humans.

A delightful, albeit exhausting, two days of conversations. (I learned people are craving creativity. How cool is that?!)

Four weeks later; a nutrient dense IV drip, acupuncture, resting, returning to my ‘normal’… and heck yeah, my plan is to participate again, but doing it differently.

The “different” part, I’ve already figured out because I see my own patterns.

Always navigating and learning “my way” for showing up in alignment with my inner rhythm while supporting my health to the best of my ability.

Circling back to “if I had a year to live.”

Two thoughts:

#1: When my beloved father died from cancer, he left me a gift that continues to live on.

He really wanted to live.

So, I honor him by living my life to the fullest, by my definition.

It’s been a slow sizzle for sure.

To live fully, your way, takes time, self-discovery, trial, error… aligning.

Repeat.

#2: This thought is so integrated it’s natural now to pause daily and ask:

What will I wish I had done (or not done) at the end of today?

And, if I had a year to live, how am I doing?

For me, the answer is never that I “should” be going here or there or doing more.

In fact, it’s often about less (also key to slowing down time 😉). More intentional. Being present. Simplifying. Mindfully approaching every hour of my waking day.

And sometimes doing the things I don’t enjoy, like paying the bills.

Anyhow, that is life, isn’t it?

A bit of this. A bit of that.

Sometimes a lot.

Make adjustments to sustain well-being… always!

Do I… do you… really need to be everywhere, involved in everything, travel excessively (ahem… aka escaping), be going and doing, and know what’s going on with your friends/community all the time (social media)… and vice versa?

My answer for me is NO!

So, I course-corrected.

No shame. No guilt. No regret.

Course-correct.

Fine-tune.

Grant yourself permission to do what you want, your way.

If this sparked something for you, feel free to pass it along to someone who might enjoy pondering it too.